it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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