Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
