Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize