so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
