Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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