i don't like sucking hair
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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