Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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