oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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