ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize