Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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