this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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