Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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