Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
