I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
