I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize