yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
