I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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