My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
