You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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