I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
