just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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