i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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