trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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