captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Bring me that man meat
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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