i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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