I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
