its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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