meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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