it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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