My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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