Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize