dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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