Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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