Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
