I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
