I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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