uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
