I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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