Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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