i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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