we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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