Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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