How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
