I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
