I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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