Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
