FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
