So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
