R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
