My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She told me I should be a condom model.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We need a shit load of segways right now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
