i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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