Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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