my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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