I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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