my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
