I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
